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 By Clement Habarurema, on 2008-10-26 03:56:16
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He Cheated: Do You Take Him Back or Dump Him?
Admit it. After hearing about
yet another actor or politician who has betrayed his wife with another
woman, your first thought was, "Would I take my guy back if he did
that?" While your knee-jerk reaction is probably to send him packing,
experts say there are some situations in which he just might deserve a
second chance. Read on to find out when to forgive and forget, and when
you should just forget him. Right before a major transition
Moving
in together or getting engaged are relationship landmarks that are
supposed to cement your bond. But the reality is, many guys react to
these big steps by taking a step back and straying. "When a man feels
his sense of freedom slipping away, he may cheat," explains Scott
Kudia, Ph.D., author of If This is Love, Why Am I Unhappy?
"It's very common for a normally faithful guy to panic and do something
stupid before some sort of commitment." Strangely enough, his actions
often signify that he's serious about his future with you. "The reason
he cheated to begin with is that he believes you two are going to be
together for a long time," says Kudia. "He views it as his one last
hurrah." This isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card, though. Make him
apologize and grovel. Then move on, knowing that this type of cheater
usually doesn't slip up more than once.
He fesses up ASAP
Of
all the ways a woman can discover a philanderer, one of the least
common is hearing it from the horse's mouth. "Guys almost always keep
these sorts of things a secret," says Kudia. "The fact that he's
confessing is a huge sign. And a very good sign. View it as a cry for
help." He doesn't want to do it again, and his way of ensuring that is
by getting you to lay down the law. So, play police officer, girl. Set
some guidelines and - this is important -
enforce them. If he's distraught enough over the hook-up to spill, the
guy probably values you and the relationship enough to make it work.
It's a total aberration
We're
going to put this bluntly, so put on your big-girl pants: The guy who's
perfect for you might cheat on you. Yes, even the most amazing,
flower-sending, call-returning, make-your-friends-jealous boyfriends
have been known to stray. "Slip-ups happen, but the good news is that
when they truly are slip-ups, they're survivable," says William July,
Ph.D., author of Confessions of an Ex Bachelor.
In
order to salvage your twosome, it's important to resist the urge to get
revenge, make him angry, or get anxious every time he doesn't call,
according to July. If you're capable of forgiving him and moving on, do
just that. After all, it was a mistake, not his relationship MO. Bottom
line: give the boy a second chance. As long as he doesn't do it again
(ever, ever, ever) and he goes back to being that practically perfect
boyfriend, don't you think he's worth it? We do.
He's going through a tough time
You know how
when you feel stressed, you deal by watching trashy TV with a pint of
Ben & Jerry's? Or surrounding yourself with 17 of your closest
friends? Well, some men handle it by straying. "Guys are more likely to
cheat when under great stress, because they have fewer tools in their
emotional tool belt," says July. "Their self-expression is often
limited to anger and sex." It sounds a bit counterintuitive, but if
things are going well between you two, he is more likely to hook up
with another woman when things get rough in other parts of his life.
The reason? "He may not want to burden you with his problems," explains
Kudia. Ensure that it's a one-time occurrence by letting him know two
things: 1) You won't judge him or think less of him if he gets fired or
screws up at work or does anything else that threatens his ego. And 2)
If he does it again, it's O-V-E-R.
He was drunk and it wasn't emotional
Ah
yes, the "It Doesn't Count if I Was in a Different Country/Zip
Code/Bar" excuse. He takes a few too many shots, temporarily forgets he
is attached, and makes out with whatever girl is at arm's length in the
bar. Not cool. But also, not the worst thing that can happen. "This
type of guy is immature, but he's not necessarily an innate cheater,"
explains Kudia. And luckily for you, most boys grow out of immaturity
(whereas a natural-born cheater will seldom change his ways.) "Many
young, college-age men don't understand the importance of a
relationship," says Kudia. "They take their girlfriends for granted
until something catastrophic happens." When catastrophe strikes, be
hard on him and tell him you won't stick around if he doesn't shape up
and grow up. Most of the time, a healthy dose of reality is enough to
straighten out an "immature cheater."
Break it Off: Five times to kick a cheater to the curb.
1. He got it on with an ex
Going back for seconds with an old girlfriend could mean he wants to get back together with her.
2. It was a full-fledged affair. Text messages. Secret email account. "Business" trips. This is not a slip-up. It's a double life.
3. He didn't apologize. We're not suggesting flowers and groveling will get him off the hook. But a total lack of remorse means he just doesn't care.
4. You two just started dating. The beginning of a relationship is when people show their best selves. If this is his best, you deserve better.
5. He's a repeat offender. A serial strayer is unlikely to change his was. Don't waste your time trying.
So, when do you think you can forgive or forget your guy?
posted here by clement habarurema
adapted from msn.com
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